he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
