So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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