Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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