I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
