It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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