omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
