Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
