we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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