i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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