Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
