where am i from again
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize