oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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