Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
