Apparently you make a good broom.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
