I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
