just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize