Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
