Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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