Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I touched a dick in church today
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
