his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
