I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
