I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
