I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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