you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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