I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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