he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
