ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
