Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
