how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
