dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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