Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
