I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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