just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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