Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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