Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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