I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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