i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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