my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
