My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
