my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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