If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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