so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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