guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She just used a chaser for red wine.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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