why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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