If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
