My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
