Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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