Just fell off a train. Bad.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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