apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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