My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
