The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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