You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
