When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Randomize
