Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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