I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
