Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
