We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
