So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
