If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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