Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
