i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
