im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
